How to support demented father abroad

[Kammekor]

I left my home country in 2009. I went back to visit many times but the last year alone I went four times because of my father's health. My father's mental health has deteriorated, very fast since I last met him last October. I kind of saw this coming, but it still caught me by surprise because of the speed of the illness developing.
Even though an official diagnosis still has to be made (everyone seems in denial and my father is at a stage he doesn't seem to care anymore) I am totally confident my father is suffering from dementia. Big time. He has a partner looking after him, so that's a good thing, but I have been wondering what I could do to support him. I call him every other day, visited him four times in the last year (claiming I came back for work purposes).
Any advice, especially from those who have dealt with a similar situation, is more than welcome. Picking up my pieces and move back isn't an option. I have my live here and I can't just leave.

[Yobbo]

I left my home country in 2009. I went back to visit many times but the last year alone I went four times because of my father's health. My father's mental health has deteriorated, very fast since I last met him last October. I kind of saw this coming, but it still caught me by surprise because of the speed of the illness developing.
Even though an official diagnosis still has to be made (everyone seems in denial and my father is at a stage he doesn't seem to care anymore) I am totally confident my father is suffering from dementia. Big time. He has a partner looking after him, so that's a good thing, but I have been wondering what I could do to support him. I call him every other day, visited him four times in the last year (claiming I came back for work purposes).
Any advice, especially from those who have dealt with a similar situation, is more than welcome. Picking up my pieces and move back isn't an option. I have my live here and I can't just leave.

Minimalize your regrets, you'll have to live with them!

[Freightdog]

My mother is suffering from dementia like symptoms, and I am fairly sure it’s as much alcohol derived as anything. In my ‘family’, my own brother and his own alcoholism contribute to their state of denial, and has done for many years. My mother’s decline has been considerable since COVID, simply because of the lack of access to, and inconsistency of, general medical care along with a couple of other health conditions. No one really looks at the history as a whole, only the current symptoms.

It’s a shit. But I have prioritised my own family, rather than hers which is a little easier.

The reality is that you may well have more awareness of what is lacking than he will. For me, my mother now is not even close to being who she was just 5 years ago.

[Bluejeanbaby]

I face the same dilemma. I came home for a month in the summer for the first time in 7 years and saw first hand how much dementia had robbed from my father and how difficult his condition has made my mother's life.

I am fortunate enough to be able to return for 6 months and help out, he is 90, my mother 89. It's f Ing cold here, he can't remember what we did in the morning by noon and it is a struggle to stay positive given the future for him.

There is no right answer to your question. It sucks balls either way

[Random Dude]

I left my home country in 2009. I went back to visit many times but the last year alone I went four times because of my father's health. My father's mental health has deteriorated, very fast since I last met him last October. I kind of saw this coming, but it still caught me by surprise because of the speed of the illness developing.
Even though an official diagnosis still has to be made (everyone seems in denial and my father is at a stage he doesn't seem to care anymore) I am totally confident my father is suffering from dementia. Big time. He has a partner looking after him, so that's a good thing, but I have been wondering what I could do to support him. I call him every other day, visited him four times in the last year (claiming I came back for work purposes).
Any advice, especially from those who have dealt with a similar situation, is more than welcome. Picking up my pieces and move back isn't an option. I have my live here and I can't just leave.

Sorry to hear that. It's a horrible situation, and something we all think about when we live overseas.

The only things I can think of are (if you're in a position to do so) start to plan to get your father and his partner professional help - maybe a nurse or caregiver who visits every day. The nurse may not be needed now, but if it does come to that, it would be good to at least have a plan ready to go.

And, I don't know if it would make a difference, maybe you're already doing this - video calls as opposed to regular voice calls.

[ali baba]

Consider moving him into a care home before his condition deteriorates. Doing it early allows him to maintain control and autonomy during the move and reduces the burden for others. Are other family members available to help out? If his partner suffered ill health who would take care of him? You're thousands of miles away so it's better to prepare for these developments sooner rather than later.

Ask him where his will is. When my grandfather died we couldn't find his will anywhere, which caused additional headaches for my mother and her sisters.

[Stravaiger]

I have been fortunate to avoid this situation but my heartfelt sympathy goes to those on this thread who are in such a difficult position.

It's very much a consequence of advances in medical science enhancing our later lives in terms of quantity but not quality.

I've been told that musical memories are among the last to go, so the sharing of them can be a way to maintain some connection. And as they say about Dementia, for the patient it gets better as it gets worse.

[RightSaidFred]

One will always have regrets, even if one does the best. So don't beat yourself up over it. Moving him to a home or arranging a caregiver would be a good idea. And visit him every 6 months.

[Bluenose]

While I know this might sound bad, staying away might increase the amount of support provided by the health services where your father lives if it seems he has nobody to look after him.
You have my sympathies, it's not a nice position to be in.

[Yobbo]

One will always have regrets, even if one does the best.

Yes No matter how small!