In-laws

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hayleyskye.hayz
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In-laws

Post by hayleyskye.hayz » Mon Jul 30, 2018 9:13 am

Please help! I am married and my husbands family is very fractured. My MIL feels her sons aren't around enough and don't care. The reason her son isn't around is because his ex(not married but children together) works for them and is always there. He feels awkward and like they are loyal to her over him. His extended family have advised we just make our presence known and push her out. What can we do to improve this relationship? Any help would be appreciated.
bvanfossen
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Re: In-laws

Post by bvanfossen » Mon Jul 30, 2018 1:07 pm

Have a sit down conversation with the in-laws and hash it out by explaining exactly what you did in this thread. Communication is key to all relationships.
hayleyskye.hayz
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Re: In-laws

Post by hayleyskye.hayz » Mon Jul 30, 2018 1:50 pm

Has been said many many times by my husband and also mediated by a cousin how we feel etc. All she ever says is she is taking the kids side not the exes etc. I just want to try and make some headway because I believe family is important and it takes a toll on my marriage because it gets me down. My husband only gets upset because I do he seems resigned to the fact nothing he ever does is gonna be good enough. Everyone keeps saying this is what Cambo mums are like. She'll hate you for however long but come around eventually but only if I'm around making effort. I don't mind making effort at all but it feels as though its pointless.
epidemiks
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Re: In-laws

Post by epidemiks » Mon Jul 30, 2018 8:08 pm

hayleyskye.hayz wrote:
Mon Jul 30, 2018 9:13 am
Please help! I am married and my husbands family is very fractured. My MIL feels her sons aren't around enough and don't care. The reason her son isn't around is because his ex(not married but children together) works for them and is always there.
Who's the primary guardian for the kids, you guys, their mother, or the grandparents? Where do the kids spend most of their time?

He feels awkward and like they are loyal to her over him.
Why does he feel awkward? Sounds like they're just trying to ensure the wellbeing of their grandkids..

His extended family have advised we just make our presence known and push her out. What can we do to improve this relationship? Any help would be appreciated.
Pushing her out doesn't sound like it will improve any relationships, between your family and the kids' mother, or between your husband and his mother.

hayleyskye.hayz wrote:
Mon Jul 30, 2018 1:50 pm
Has been said many many times by my husband and also mediated by a cousin how we feel etc. All she ever says is she is taking the kids side not the exes etc.
Seems reasonable. As a parent I'd take the kids side too, and if there is no animosity between the parents, why is there any reason to not include the mother prominently in their life?
I just want to try and make some headway because I believe family is important and it takes a toll on my marriage because it gets me down. My husband only gets upset because I do
What are you getting upset about? Why does it get you down? Because:

he seems resigned to the fact nothing he ever does is gonna be good enough.

Good enough for you, or good enough for his kid's mother, or good enough for his mother. This is confusing.

Everyone keeps saying this is what Cambo mums are like.
To use the Cambodian vernacular, she's a spoilt white cloth - without the dignity of being a divorcee or widow. If she's pissed of at life and the father of her kids, it's hardly surprising.

She'll hate you for however long but come around eventually but only if I'm around making effort. I don't mind making effort at all but it feels as though its pointless.
So she's the problem, not the MIL?

At the start is seemed like the issue was the MIL, but its actually the kids' mother being a bitch to you specifically?
explorer
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Re: In-laws

Post by explorer » Tue Jul 31, 2018 3:58 am

It is impossible to please unreasonable people. I suggest you tell them you want to do the right thing, if they are not reasonable, tell them there is nothing you can do about it, and you are not even going to try. Then don't bother. They then may or may not rethink the situation.

I don't know them, but it may or may not be the case, where they think of the Cambodian girl as his genuine wife, and you are the foreign girl he is showing off or scamming until you break up. He will then go back with his Cambodian wife.

Nor exactly the same, but think about this:

general-chatter/dead-husbands-come-back-t21872.html
## I thought I knew all the answers, but they changed all the questions. ##
hayleyskye.hayz
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Re: In-laws

Post by hayleyskye.hayz » Tue Jul 31, 2018 5:51 am

The problem is both the ex and the MIL.she's not Cambodian she's white also. The latest from yesterday is now his oldest child has said she wants to wipe my husband completely.this is after many years of her mother alienating the kids from their dad. She has primary care. She has not stuck to visitation set by court. I think we are just going to step back and leave them all to it at this stage. We have put way too much effort into trying to please his mother but the ex works for her so is in her ear constantly running us down.its impossible to combat and too exhausting to try
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PSD-Kiwi
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Re: In-laws

Post by PSD-Kiwi » Tue Jul 31, 2018 8:32 am

You and all parties involved are in NZ right, not Cambodia?
hayleyskye.hayz
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Re: In-laws

Post by hayleyskye.hayz » Tue Jul 31, 2018 9:31 am

Yep we are in NZ
epidemiks
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Re: In-laws

Post by epidemiks » Tue Jul 31, 2018 10:52 am

hayleyskye.hayz wrote:
Tue Jul 31, 2018 5:51 am
she's not Cambodian she's white also.
The kid's mother isn't Cambodian?

Then what does this mean:
hayleyskye.hayz wrote:Everyone keeps saying this is what Cambo mums are like.
kiwiincambodia
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Re: In-laws

Post by kiwiincambodia » Tue Jul 31, 2018 11:08 am

epidemiks wrote:
hayleyskye.hayz wrote:
Tue Jul 31, 2018 5:51 am
she's not Cambodian she's white also.
The kid's mother isn't Cambodian?

Then what does this mean:
hayleyskye.hayz wrote:Everyone keeps saying this is what Cambo mums are like.
Confused me as well.

Maybe she means that for Mother in law?
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