Here's another great article from the same satire news site.
Trump Throws In With #MeToo, Says He Was Sexually Abased on ’09 Asia Trip
WASHINGTON – U.S. President Donald Trump admitted in wide-ranging talks with Asian news media this week that he was “almost constantly sexually abased” during a trip to Asia in 2009 with political trickster Roger Stone, his son Donnie, his other son Donnie and shock jock Howard Stern, seemingly joining forces with an advocacy group that he had previously derided as “fake news.”
In making the claim, Trump acknowledged that he had long been at odds with the #MeToo movement due to what he said were “light-hearted” attempts to find extra sexual partners outside the confines of his sacrosanct union with his wife, Melania. Those attempts led to at least a dozen sexual assault allegations against Trump during his presidential campaign, all of which he denied.
Trump said he could now empathize with the movement after his experiences in Asia.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Trump said of his five-country vacation through Indonesia, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, and Hong Kong. “I felt embattled and always on guard there. And then it happened — Boom! Boom! Boom! First me, then Howard, then Roger, then the two Donnies.”
“Now, I’m not saying it whether it was women or men doing this — it could have been both. Maybe we’ll never know,” Trump said.
“And it just continued, wherever we went,” the president said. “It’s not like we could do anything about it, could we?” he implored. “I mean, we’re visitors there, right? You say something there, you get smacked, is what I hear. So we just sort of played along … I’m not saying we knew what we were getting ourselves into the 27 or so times it happened, but it did happen. Let’s just say that. I can’t say I’m proud of it. Can’t say anything, really. It just happened.”
“There was so much … so much,” Trump said of the abase. “I guess I should have said something, but I — we — really did feel like it was out of our control.”
“Donnie…” the president continued, choking up when bringing up the names of his precious first- and third-born. “Donnie was almost certainly sexually abased during that trip, too, and not just in one country. He was abased in Indonesia — especially Bali; he was severely abased in Thailand as far as I know, and he was totally abased in Singapore,” the president said.
When asked for specific details of the incidents, Trump said “As many, many people have told me — and everyone knows this; Chuck Schumer knows this, Nancy Pelosi knows this, the media knows it, everybody knows it but probably won’t say anything about it because it’s all rigged … all rigged. And I’ll tell you something else: When we got down there — and I mean Asia, you know, not ‘down there,’ because that would be another thing and I can’t talk about that now but it will all be coming out very, very soon and then we’ll make a decision on it.”
“So stay tuned, folks … Who knows?” the president added, before meandering off through the Rose Garden for his mid-afternoon hamburger/nap.
https://breakinginasia.com/trump-throws ... asia-trip/