Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

This is where our community discusses almost anything! While we're mainly a Cambodia expat discussion forum and talk about expat life here, we debate about almost everything. Even if you're a tourist passing through Southeast Asia and want to connect with expatriates living and working in Cambodia, this is the first section of our site that you should check out. Our members start their own discussions or post links to other blogs and/or news articles they find interesting and want to chat about. So join in the fun and start new topics, or feel free to comment on anything our community members have already started! We also have some Khmer members here as well, but English is the main language used on CEO. You're welcome to have a look around, and if you decide you want to participate, you can become a part our international expat community by signing up for a free account.
Phnom Penh Pal
BANNED
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 12:40 am
Reputation: 27
Cambodia

Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by Phnom Penh Pal »

There's a lot to be said for long term relationships between a westerner and a South East Asian.  Please have your say below.

I believe that the majority of these relationships dissolve and disappear quicker than Pol Pot's toupee in a rainstorm. The main reason for this is not the cultural or language barriers, but the woman's temperament, inability to adapt and flourish and their ability to be overly jealous. They can be nasty at times with over the top childish put downs and quite rebellious or a bit of a saboteur as can men, however females are like archaeologists -  due to their natural ability to dig up the past. Also more than a few have that me, me, me attitude and are also unwilling to look at the big picture, often taking a dime now when given the choice between a quick reward and long term substantial gain. 

It would be fair to say we are no angels either, probably pirates would be a better description due to our travelling and promiscuous ways. Some of us western men lack tact or experience when dealing with these women and have quick tempers too, especially when tired, stressed or in drink. The type of Western bloke that goes for an Asian woman may not have great skills with Western women, they may just prefer the Asian look or they may not be attractive to the normal girls. Perhaps we just want a young girl on our arm to make us feel younger.

Few of these mixed cultural relationships work when you remember that the woman will almost certainly not want to study or work. Some will be eager to work, whereas some will be told not to. You've got to remember that these SE Asian girls need security, so if they think that your job is not stable or the future looks bleak money wise they may jump ship. They'll also be those folk who are minted and the girl will put up with next to anything. 

There are many tactics we can use to resolve these issues or regular clashes. I use these methods listed below;

* walk away when confronted with aggressive behavior.
* agree to disagree.
* offer to help if it's about housework or the kids. Offer to pay if it's about money.
* buy her calming materials such as canvas and paint, beer and a curry, flowers or arrange to have a break either by herself or just us without the kids.
* Revisit sticking points later in a more tactful way or at a better time.

You can keep them sweet, but when they run out of problems they'll more than likely start to jump and attack shadows. Still manage it as best as you can, or you could leave. 😉
nerdlinger
Expatriate
Posts: 776
Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2017 11:56 pm
Reputation: 570
Great Britain

Re: Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by nerdlinger »

This reads like something from the 1970s. Wasn’t “Females are like archaeologists” a Bernard Manning routine?
BillDoe
BANNED
Posts: 258
Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:28 am
Reputation: 67
United States of America

Re: Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by BillDoe »

Phnom Penh Pal wrote: Mon Jun 21, 2021 8:29 pm There's a lot to be said for long term relationships between a westerner and a South East Asian.  Please have your say below.

I believe that the majority of these relationships dissolve and disappear quicker than Pol Pot's toupee in a rainstorm. The main reason for this is not the cultural or language barriers, but the woman's temperament, inability to adapt and flourish and their ability to be overly jealous. They can be nasty at times with over the top childish put downs and quite rebellious or a bit of a saboteur as can men, however females are like archaeologists -  due to their natural ability to dig up the past. Also more than a few have that me, me, me attitude and are also unwilling to look at the big picture, often taking a dime now when given the choice between a quick reward and long term substantial gain. 

It would be fair to say we are no angels either, probably pirates would be a better description due to our travelling and promiscuous ways. Some of us western men lack tact or experience when dealing with these women and have quick tempers too, especially when tired, stressed or in drink. The type of Western bloke that goes for an Asian woman may not have great skills with Western women, they may just prefer the Asian look or they may not be attractive to the normal girls. Perhaps we just want a young girl on our arm to make us feel younger.

Few of these mixed cultural relationships work when you remember that the woman will almost certainly not want to study or work. Some will be eager to work, whereas some will be told not to. You've got to remember that these SE Asian girls need security, so if they think that your job is not stable or the future looks bleak money wise they may jump ship. They'll also be those folk who are minted and the girl will put up with next to anything. 

There are many tactics we can use to resolve these issues or regular clashes. I use these methods listed below;

* walk away when confronted with aggressive behavior.
* agree to disagree.
* offer to help if it's about housework or the kids. Offer to pay if it's about money.
* buy her calming materials such as canvas and paint, beer and a curry, flowers or arrange to have a break either by herself or just us without the kids.
* Revisit sticking points later in a more tactful way or at a better time.

You can keep them sweet, but when they run out of problems they'll more than likely start to jump and attack shadows. Still manage it as best as you can, or you could leave. 😉
Date someone close to your age, someone who isn't a bar girl/sits around and gossips with everyone on the street or works in a market.

My wife is in uni, speaks amazing English and has actual goals besides the end of the day ganzberg. Also, treat them exactly the way you'd want to be treated and don't expect them do be any different than a western girl, you'd be surprised how good a relationship can be when you don't set yourself up for failure.
User avatar
Ghostwriter
Expatriate
Posts: 3096
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:01 am
Reputation: 1998
France

Re: Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by Ghostwriter »

Nothing a spank and a few E's can't sort out.


Ok, i get out.
User avatar
truffledog
Expatriate
Posts: 1658
Joined: Sat Mar 07, 2020 4:54 am
Reputation: 1028
Italy

Re: Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by truffledog »

Looking back at 30 years watching mixed relationships (mostly Asian-European) go by I must say that there is only a slight chance of long term success. Money issues and unfaithfulness (on both sides) beeing 80% of reasons for breaking up. Actually just one of my "friends" has managed to keep the marriage happy. Swiss-Vietnamese couple. All the others failed. Sad but true.

Just my personal experience. Maybe your methods would have saved some failures.
work is for people who cant find truffles
daeum_tnaot
Expatriate
Posts: 760
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2018 1:43 pm
Reputation: 142
Nepal

Re: Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by daeum_tnaot »

There are so many variables in this it's practically impossible to make any generalization.
User avatar
violet
Expatriate
Posts: 2452
Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 3:48 pm
Reputation: 1321

Re: Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by violet »

Phnom Penh Pal wrote: Mon Jun 21, 2021 8:29 pm ....
There are many tactics we can use to resolve these issues or regular clashes. I use these methods listed below;

* walk away when confronted with aggressive behavior.
* agree to disagree.
* offer to help if it's about housework or the kids. Offer to pay if it's about money.
* buy her calming materials such as canvas and paint, beer and a curry, flowers or arrange to have a break either by herself or just us without the kids.
* Revisit sticking points later in a more tactful way or at a better time.

* spend some time reflecting on how you may have contributed to or instigated the aggressive behaviour
* listen, discuss and seek resolution prior to aggressive behaviour
* consider that a raised voice is not aggression, but rather frustration
* stop considering the female has the problem while being blind to the problematic behaviour you may have that comes before her frustration
Edited to admit I was triggered by “buy her calming materials...”
Despite what angsta states, it’s clear from reading through his posts that angsta supports the free FreePalestine movement.
User avatar
atst
Expatriate
Posts: 3575
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:27 pm
Reputation: 2126
New Zealand

Re: Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by atst »

When thier talking shut up and turn the music up

Image
I'm standing up, so I must be straight.
What's a poor man do when the blues keep following him around.(Smoking Dynamite)
User avatar
xandreu
Expatriate
Posts: 1859
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2017 11:37 am
Reputation: 1930
Great Britain

Re: Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by xandreu »

Inter-cultural relationships between Khmers and Westerns that break down almost always do so because the Westerner has not given enough slack and relies too heavily on the relationship following western norms.

For any relationship to work, compromises have to be made. We all get that. But what a lot of people don't get is that in a Khmer/Westerner relationships, whereby the foreigner and his partner co-habit in Cambodia, far, far, far more compromises will have to be made by the foreigner than the Khmer. If you are not the kind of person who likes to compromise too much, you think that this sort of set-up is unfair or you think you can change it as the relationship progresses, go home. Or stay single. You will not change it. The more you try, the more depressed you will become.

Be prepared to put up with a lot more than you would in a domestic relationship back home. I'm not talking anything too serious such as cheating or stealing from you - these should never be tolerated, I'm talking about the 'little white lies', the refusal to back down from an argument, even when the evidence is right in front of them, the 'I'll do it later' attitude (anytime between now and when I die), the belief that because they are now with a rich foreigner, why should they need to work and contribute to the household? The incredibly selective control they have over how much interaction you have with their family (you will be involved in family issues when it suits, other times it's none of your business)... I could go on, as I'm sure we all could.

The fact is that some, all of these things, and others to boot go with the territory of dating a Khmer.

Anyone who enters into a relationship with a Khmer without knowledge and acceptance of these things, is, in my opinion, doomed to fail.

As they so often do.
The difference between animals and humans is that animals would never allow the dumb ones to lead the pack.
User avatar
armchairlawyer
Expatriate
Posts: 2490
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:43 pm
Reputation: 1503
Cambodia

Re: Methods we can use to avoid quarells and resolve issues

Post by armchairlawyer »

I read this in one of the Grauniad's many agony aunt column the other day. The question was actually about the couple having less sex than before but the bit I think is very true reads:

What sustains a marriage isn’t regular, terrific sex, it is honouring bids for attention. What I mean by this is that when one of you makes a remark (it need not be about sex, it could be as mundane as a comment about the cat), or otherwise seems to be asking for a response, that reaching out – the bid – is responded to, or, in other words, honoured.

Research has shown that when seven out of 10 bids in a marriage are honoured on both sides, the marriage will do well.

Another indicator of a good marriage is loving touch – which isn’t necessarily sexual touch. Feeling relaxed with each other means you can share thoughts and feelings. Not feeling competitive with each other too often and not getting into a frequent scramble for the moral high ground also helps to make for a long-lasting, mutually supportive bond.


https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyl ... ry-replies

IMHO, this is spot on. Respective ages, social backgrounds, bar girl provenance, linguistic ability - these don't matter a bean if you follow this advice.
Post Reply Previous topicNext topic
  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Ahrefs [Bot], Bobby66, Khmu Nation, Majestic-12 [Bot], Moe and 1339 guests