Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by daeum_tnaot » Thu Jul 09, 2020 1:00 am

I talked further with my partner about this, and have revised my position based on the discussion. She explained that the man will pay the bride price, but the bride's family will pay for all of the wedding except for the man's guest's dinner tables. So they have a lot of expenses, and it's also up to their discretion how fancy the wedding is (although this may be discussed in pre-wedding negotiations). Then the bride's family will get the money from their guests back, who make their donations. But in most cases it will be a net loss for the bride's family. (i.e. the costs outweigh the bride price and the guest donations combined).

So, if this is true, it's the bride's family who actually pay more, and the system is actually more similar to the Indian system.

Further, if the bride's family is generous and decides to pay for the wedding out of pocket, and then donate the bride-price to the bride, it will benefit the man even more. Although his wife 'controls the money', he can propose a use for it, like a business or investment, and depending on her personality she is likely to agree to it. So he may actually end up getting to use his pride-price anyway. Or it will benefit him as passive savings or wealth that they share together.
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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by daeum_tnaot » Thu Jul 09, 2020 1:05 am

BDT92 wrote:
Wed Jul 08, 2020 8:38 pm
I refused to pay the bride price during talks with my ex-girlfriend's family during talks of taking her hand in marriage. I dumped her ass right then and there and just walked out. She was a lovely girl, but I did not agree with paying any kind of fee to marry their daughter. Fucking dogs were only 55 or so years old and retired. I told them that they should get off their lazy fucking asses and work if they want money. That's ok. It was a good relationship with great sex! I just moved on to another great relationship. The same thing will probably happen again. That's ok. It's a good excuse to enjoy sex and not get married. It's the Cambodians' fault anyways that their system is broken.
If you read the posts I made about how it actually works, you may realize that her family may then have all kinds of expenses to pay for that are all or partly paid for from your contribution. (Of course it all depends on the situation. If they also expected you to pay for the wedding then they were probably trying to squeeze some wealth out of you).

It may have been good to wait it out and see what the full picture was, and give it some thought for a month or so. A few thousand is not that much compared to 10 years of your life.

I do agree that many Khmer parents retire too early though.
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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by hunter8 » Thu Jul 09, 2020 2:08 am

BDT92 wrote:
Wed Jul 08, 2020 8:38 pm
I refused to pay the bride price during talks with my ex-girlfriend's family during talks of taking her hand in marriage. I dumped her ass right then and there and just walked out. She was a lovely girl, but I did not agree with paying any kind of fee to marry their daughter. Fucking dogs were only 55 or so years old and retired. I told them that they should get off their lazy fucking asses and work if they want money. That's ok. It was a good relationship with great sex! I just moved on to another great relationship. The same thing will probably happen again. That's ok. It's a good excuse to enjoy sex and not get married. It's the Cambodians' fault anyways that their system is broken.
What you do there is so immoral, i am unable to find the right word.
Man must compensate the woman financially for having sex out of wedlock, because she loses face.
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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by Bitte_Kein_Lexus » Thu Jul 09, 2020 9:50 am

explorer wrote: They record how much everyone gives.

When that family attend your wedding, or a wedding of a family member of yours, they are supposed to give twice as much as you gave them.
More utter nonsense from the usual suspects. No one is expected to give DOUBLE the amount. I don't know where you got that from, but ask any Khmer around you and they'll confirm it's not true. SOME will choose to put a bit more as if you give an equal amount, you're "even", so some superstitious people will see this as wanting the relationship to end or something. It's just a sign of good faith (kind of like how we think initially not accepting a gift/insisting is seen as polite).

So say you get invited and give $20, then when they go to your wedding that person may choose to put $25 (that way you have a reason to go to their upcoming house warming or whatever). As mentioned, how much they give is dependent on many factors such as how close you are, the person's income and so on. But people aren't expected to randomly DOUBLE what was given to them, and many people just pay the same amount regardless.
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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by newkidontheblock » Thu Jul 09, 2020 10:29 am

That’s why the family was pissed when ten people in one family showed up to eat and drink but only paid for one person. Of course, among 800 or so for the ceremony and 800 or so for the dinner, it was missed until some time later.

Anyways, it’s a Khmer tradition. It’s not like the Cambodians invented it as a special test for foreigners. That would be the whole wedding process in general.
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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by explorer » Mon Jul 13, 2020 1:32 pm

Bitte_Kein_Lexus wrote:
Thu Jul 09, 2020 9:50 am
explorer wrote: When that family attend your wedding, or a wedding of a family member of yours, they are supposed to give twice as much as you gave them.
No one is expected to give DOUBLE the amount. I don't know where you got that from, but ask any Khmer around you and they'll confirm it's not true. SOME will choose to put a bit more as if you give an equal amount, you're "even", so some superstitious people will see this as wanting the relationship to end or something. It's just a sign of good faith (kind of like how we think initially not accepting a gift/insisting is seen as polite).
I stand corrected. Since reading this I decided to ask more questions. I found out a large proportion of people pay more than they had received. Some pay double. Some pay the same as they received.

I had been told by another person previously that people are supposed to pay double. Some people do believe they should pay double, and some people do pay double, but it is not the majority of Cambodians.

We can all continue learning.

As others have said, the amount may depend on many things, for example, how wealthy the family is, how wealthy you are, and how close you are to the family. There is no set amount.

My latest enquiries, from a Cambodian village, not poor and not rich by village standards, suggested. If a single person goes to a wedding, they often pay $10. If they get married later, those people often give $15 in return. A couple often pays $15, and if they get married later, the people often give $20 in return. Some do give double, and some only give the same as they received.

As a foreigner, I think it is a good idea to give more than Cambodians, again depending on how close you are to the people.

When wealthy Cambodians get married, it normally involves very large amounts of money.
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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by explorer » Mon Jul 13, 2020 1:37 pm

In Australia, the people getting married, and their families, pay for the wedding. The guests normally give gifts, which are normally appreciated by the couple.

I think it is sad, Cambodians like to recoup the cost of the wedding from the guests. The money is expected, not appreciated. They often get less than the cost of the wedding, which leaves them disappointed.

It does not seem right when something is expected, not appreciated.
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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by atst » Wed Jul 15, 2020 9:08 pm

explorer wrote:
Mon Jul 13, 2020 1:37 pm
In Australia, the people getting married, and their families, pay for the wedding. The guests normally give gifts, which are normally appreciated by the couple.

I think it is sad, Cambodians like to recoup the cost of the wedding from the guests. The money is expected, not appreciated. They often get less than the cost of the wedding, which leaves them disappointed.

It does not seem right when something is expected, not appreciated.
Pacific island wedding guest give money.
In Australia wasn't it the bride's family who paid for the wedding
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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by Anchor Moy » Wed Jul 15, 2020 9:26 pm

explorer wrote:
Mon Jul 13, 2020 1:37 pm
In Australia, the people getting married, and their families, pay for the wedding. The guests normally give gifts, which are normally appreciated by the couple.

I think it is sad, Cambodians like to recoup the cost of the wedding from the guests. The money is expected, not appreciated. They often get less than the cost of the wedding, which leaves them disappointed.

It does not seem right when something is expected, not appreciated.
In Australia, the guests quite often receive a "wedding present list" - usually expensive household crap that you are supposed to buy as a present. Is it worse to ask your guests for a $200 toaster or a $1000 coffee machine rather than cash ?
When I first arrived in Cambodia, I was a bit shocked that cash money was expected as a present, but now it's only a cultural difference as far as I'm concerned.
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Re: Is paying a bride price a good idea in Cambodian culture?

Post by ssian » Fri Jul 17, 2020 5:29 pm

explorer wrote:
Mon Jul 13, 2020 1:32 pm
Bitte_Kein_Lexus wrote:
Thu Jul 09, 2020 9:50 am
explorer wrote: When that family attend your wedding, or a wedding of a family member of yours, they are supposed to give twice as much as you gave them.
No one is expected to give DOUBLE the amount. I don't know where you got that from, but ask any Khmer around you and they'll confirm it's not true. SOME will choose to put a bit more as if you give an equal amount, you're "even", so some superstitious people will see this as wanting the relationship to end or something. It's just a sign of good faith (kind of like how we think initially not accepting a gift/insisting is seen as polite).
I stand corrected. Since reading this I decided to ask more questions. I found out a large proportion of people pay more than they had received. Some pay double. Some pay the same as they received.

I had been told by another person previously that people are supposed to pay double. Some people do believe they should pay double, and some people do pay double, but it is not the majority of Cambodians.

We can all continue learning.

As others have said, the amount may depend on many things, for example, how wealthy the family is, how wealthy you are, and how close you are to the family. There is no set amount.

My latest enquiries, from a Cambodian village, not poor and not rich by village standards, suggested. If a single person goes to a wedding, they often pay $10. If they get married later, those people often give $15 in return. A couple often pays $15, and if they get married later, the people often give $20 in return. Some do give double, and some only give the same as they received.

As a foreigner, I think it is a good idea to give more than Cambodians, again depending on how close you are to the people.

When wealthy Cambodians get married, it normally involves very large amounts of money.
Well it depends on the number of people who are attending the banquet and how friendly or closely related you are. Very very good friends or have some business related partnerships all these kind of factors. Of course those super wealthy families you could tell by simply the banquet decorations, the number of tables and guests they invited, the space of the banquet and location of it.

It's Asian thing that Asian helps one another in the special occasion like wedding by financially supporting the younger ones and give blessing on their new journey as a family.

Here, during marriage season, you could easily be attending wedding almost everyday and night for weeks so imagine giving huge amount, how to afford? This was prior to Convid19 of course and at times you would see some locals attending both different banquets on single night if the weddings held beside or nearby building.

It's not uniquely in Cambodia by giving red packet with cash. If you attend any race wedding in any Asian countriesand China, Japan and Korea inclusive, as it is expected of you to give some monetary support as a blessing for the transition of singlehood to adulthood. You can see it as a kick-start for a new business venture; family venture for lifetime. Haha.
That's the primary reason why they would require your confirmation on rvsp.

Rich families I don't know, since they are rich where money is not really an issue but how many rich kids everywhere? It doesn't mean the normal and not so wealthy people cannot get married and host a banquet right? It's a joyous and once a lifetime occasion :Yahoo!:
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