I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.
He said, "I'll see," and walked away.
I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.
In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

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I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.

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What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi.

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FEW women admit their age -
VERY few men act theirs.

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When I was a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain.
Then I got Facebook!!

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As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ...... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

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Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate!"

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I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

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Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation, "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.

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A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s.
The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"
The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

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Don't stress about your eyesight failing as you get older.
It's nature's way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.

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I just burned 1200 calories.
I forgot the pizza in the oven.

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Thanks for teaching me the meaning of "plethora."
It means a lot.