The sucky part about being an expat

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rozzieoz
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The sucky part about being an expat

Post by rozzieoz » Fri Apr 21, 2017 12:28 am

You miss really important stuff like people dying.

No matter how much you prepare for it, no matter how many "systems" you have in place to make sure you're there at those final moments, sometimes you just don't make it.

Mom was very ill for years so it wasn't unexpected. We had Christmas together with both her siblings and all our cousins. It was a stunning time and she assured me she wouldn't go soon, so there was no need to rush back.

I was going to book a ticket for February but she was adamant there was no rush so we decided I'd go in April, after my partner's birthday.

We bought the ticket.

She passed away six weeks ago in her bed. Dad went to wake her for breakfast and realised she had gone. They held the funeral the next week. I wrote something for my sister to read, and a cousin videoed all the speeches for me.

I arrived in Durban over Easter and
went with my dad and sister today to spread her ashes in the Drakensberg mountains.

I love my life in Cambodia and we have absolutely no plans to leave - it's home for us and we love it. It suits us and we are extremely happy.

But it's shit knowing your family needs you and you can't be there.

RIP Mommy.



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taabarang
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Re: The sucky part about being an expat

Post by taabarang » Fri Apr 21, 2017 7:21 am

I can certainly sympathize, I lost both of my parents while living in Cambodia. I don't regret missing the funeral, but not being there at the last moments feels like a failed duty.
As my old Cajun bait seller used to say, "I opes you luck.
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Re: The sucky part about being an expat

Post by vladimir » Fri Apr 21, 2017 7:41 am

Rozzieoz, sincere condolences for your loss. However, I think people tend to over-emphasise or over-equate physical proximity with emotional proximity.

I'm sure your mum was very close to you in her last moments; we are just not programmed to think like that, however.

Hope this helps.
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Re: The sucky part about being an expat

Post by phuketrichard » Fri Apr 21, 2017 8:50 am

sad for ur loss, my mom passed in 1996 and it seems like yesterday.

BUT how many live within 2 hours of their parents yet seldom see them?
But it's shit knowing your family needs you and you can't be there.
Dont agree with this, we all that Choose to live away from our home countries, do so knowing we wont be there all the time, we accept it, our family accepts it

MY mom was diagnosed with cancer in dec, she did not want to to treatments or such
Sister called end of jan said she was going fast, i was on the NEXT flight I could get and was home in 28 hours and was there holding her hand when she closed her eyes for the last time 2 days later

Its hard but its the way to choose to live our lives
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Re: The sucky part about being an expat

Post by Seasquatch » Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:04 am

My condolences.

As I gear up to take off I have these things in the back of my mind.
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timmydownawell
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Re: The sucky part about being an expat

Post by timmydownawell » Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:27 am

Sorry for your loss Roz.

My dad in NZ is 91 and I know it's unlikely I will see him again (although he is a tough old bugger so you never know). Maybe my finances will improve and I will get to make a trip over before the inevitable. He is always delighted to hear from me when I call, and I've been sending him photos (postcards using the Touchnote app as they have no internet). But I have no regrets moving here, but it'll be hard being so far away when the time comes.
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taabarang
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Re: The sucky part about being an expat

Post by taabarang » Fri Apr 21, 2017 12:07 pm

I thank Roz especially for this post while regretting the cause for it. Almost all of us come here to.lose some of that "back home pain" naivety unaware that a new batch awaits us here.

"I think people tend to over- emphasise or over-equate physical proximity with emotional proximity."
That well could be Vladimir, but I prefer touch to touching thoughts.

Anyway I especially like the way that this post was open for all to feel free to open up and let a bit of that pain out.
As my old Cajun bait seller used to say, "I opes you luck.
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rozzieoz
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Re: The sucky part about being an expat

Post by rozzieoz » Fri Apr 21, 2017 1:15 pm

vladimir wrote:Rozzieoz, sincere condolences for your loss. However, I think people tend to over-emphasise or over-equate physical proximity with emotional proximity.

I'm sure your mum was very close to you in her last moments; we are just not programmed to think like that, however.

Hope this helps.
It does actually, thank you.
She spent her life trying to protect me from her illness and I think she knew she was going to go, and didn't want me to see it. She asked me to come back and spread her ashes. :)


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rozzieoz
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Re: The sucky part about being an expat

Post by rozzieoz » Fri Apr 21, 2017 1:16 pm

phuketrichard wrote:sad for ur loss, my mom passed in 1996 and it seems like yesterday.

BUT how many live within 2 hours of their parents yet seldom see them?
But it's shit knowing your family needs you and you can't be there.
Dont agree with this, we all that Choose to live away from our home countries, do so knowing we wont be there all the time, we accept it, our family accepts it

MY mom was diagnosed with cancer in dec, she did not want to to treatments or such
Sister called end of jan said she was going fast, i was on the NEXT flight I could get and was home in 28 hours and was there holding her hand when she closed her eyes for the last time 2 days later

Its hard but its the way to choose to live our lives
You're right, and I certainly wouldn't change that choice for anything.


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Re: The sucky part about being an expat

Post by Jamie_Lambo » Fri Apr 21, 2017 1:29 pm

spent a lot of time with you recently Roz and i know you are gutted, but i hope you feel better now youve set her free and scattered her ashes
not sure how long youre planning on staying in SA i may still be here when youre back
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