Brothel visit

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'


Marriage Humor

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied ,'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


My wife and I were having a heated argument about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."
At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"
"Give me an example," she replied.
"Well, while we were having sex last night, I was thinking about your best friend..

An old sailor goes to a brothel

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins." How am I doing?" He asks." Three knots," she replies." Three knots? What's that mean?" "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."


A horny young man went to a brothel

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers... they..."Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."


A Good Time

A man has been down on his luck and has not been with a woman for a very long time and to make matters worse he only has 2 dollars to his name.
He goes to a local brothel and asks the owner if he can have a good time there for 2 dollars.
"2 dollars, I don't think so, beat it!" says the owner
The guy starts to cry and goes on to explain all that has been going on in his life.
The owner says "ok buddy, give me the 2 dollars and go to the second floor 3rd door on the right"
The man hands over his 2 dollars and goes to the room and when he enters the only thing in the room is a chicken. He ponders it for a bit looks around the room carefully to make sure no one is watching, once he finds out no one is watching he decides he is gong to have sex with the chicken. But alas as hard as he tries he can't catch the chicken and he finally gives up and leaves.
A few months later the guys luck has turned around and he has a well paying job. He returns to the same brothel walks up to the owner, slaps $200 on the counter and says "I want to the most fun your brothel has to offer"
The owner takes the money and tells the guy to go to the trird floor third door on the right.
The guy takes off and runs up to the room and when he gets there all he sees is a circle of guys staring at a hole in the floor basically killing themselves laughing.
The guy walks over and asks one of the guys what's so funny.
The guy points at the hole in the floor almost unable to control his laughter he blurts out "Look at that idiot down there trying to fuck that chicken!!"


Young Boy

It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.”

Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child.

“Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam.

“I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?”

“Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and HE’S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!”