Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

This is a part of our Cambodia forums to chat about anything Cambodia-related. This discussion forum is at the top of our site because it's usually the busiest part of the expat community chatter with random topics on just about everything, including expat life, Khmer politics, Cambodian blogs we have or have come across, or whatever else our members want to discuss. Whether you're an expatriate, tourist, Cambodian or random traveler just passing through South East Asia, you are welcome to talk about anything or start new topics yourselves.
Mishmash
Expatriate
Posts: 1949
Joined: Tue Nov 14, 2017 7:34 pm
Reputation: 1148
Cambodia

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Mishmash »

Yerg wrote: Sun Jan 26, 2020 5:05 am Okay, my two-pence worth. And breathe...

I had a ridiculously acrimonious divorce. So, let's go back to the beginning.

In a nutshell, I caught my wife cheating. The whys and wherefores are pointless. I caught her. Red handed. Bang to rights, there was no argument. I filed for divorce instantly, on the grounds of adultery. [We'll leave the 6 months of denial here...]

When it hit the lawyers, her claim was for (100%) of the house I bought, before we even had kids. (Before we even got together!! Yes, she had my kids and cared for them as a stay at home Mum, but I owned the house before we even got together). 50%, I was prepared to live with, even 70% But not 100%. She took my house. I don't inherently have a problem with this, my kids needed somewhere to live. Still not the point, hey-ho...)

She fucked another dude. IN MY HOUSE!!! But that seems to count for nothing.

She got 50% of my pension, which I had been paying in to since I was 18. We met in my mid-20's. Go figure. (I don't pay in to that one anymore!!!) She gets 50%!!!!

I have to (even still today) indemnify her mortgage payments in case she can't pay them. I don't have to pay her any more as both my kids are over 18, but I'm still on the mortgage and will be until 2035, and she has no legal reason to remove me as her indemnity, in case she decides she no longer wants to pay. I can't get another mortgage to buy another house, because I already "have a mortgage". I don't, but I do. So fuck it, I can't buy another place of my own, as I am considered a financial "risk" here in the UK.

She used my kids as leverage to get more money. A fine example would be that she would offer to take a lower alimony payment if I changed my divorce filing from "adultery" to "Irreconcilable differences". I didn't, but she still got 25% of my income. I don't have a problem with this, as they were my kids and I had a financial commitment to take care of them.
She then continued to leverage my kids to try and get whatever she wanted from me. A good example would be, only allowing me to fly my kids on holiday with me (unaccompanied minors) to see me, was if I paid for her to accompany them, and stay in a 5* hotel for two weeks in an exotic location while they were with me. Of course, I told her to fuck off. My kids missed out on a great holiday as a result.

Now, these examples only scratch the surface of my divorce. I suspect that they might only scratch the surface of other divorces. But perhaps now, OP might see why those of us westerners divorced might be a bit prickly. How we (divorcees) are not misogynistic, women-hating pricks, is perhaps the more pertinent question. We're not, we just don't particularly like one woman in particular. I've yet to read of a single divorced fella here that isn't prepared to give it another go. I have, and would again.

I don't regret my kids. I love them with all my heart. I just can't change who I had them with.

So, KUDOS to OP who still gets on with his ex GIRLFRIEND, who didn't rip the arse out of his own financial world and had to start over in his late thirties/early forties.

And YES, his post did piss me off, and this was the politest reply I could muster.
Thanks for sharing Mr @Yerg . It's not often a man can come clean - it takes guts.

That is one hell of a post.

The old Anglo Saxon laws are more equitable. They say if the woman cheats she must return all and be under the protection of her 'new' man. If the Guy cheats he loses half his estate and the lady keeps all her gifts and all shared household items.

The Khmer law for men says don't fuck with married women or girlfriends of others as the 'wronged' man MAY KILL YOU.

Truer words never spoken.

I wish you happiness in your life brother.
User avatar
Yerg
Expatriate
Posts: 1316
Joined: Thu Apr 11, 2019 3:41 pm
Reputation: 970
Location: Kent, UK
Great Britain

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Yerg »

jaclu wrote: Sun Jan 26, 2020 8:08 am
Yerg wrote: Sun Jan 26, 2020 5:05 am
And YES, his post did piss me off, and this was the politest reply I could muster.
Well, you did a good job of describing your experience in a perfectly normal tone, so job well done in that regard!
That was a pretty horrific experience :(

I am sorry I pissed you off. That was truly not the intention.
My pal's divorces were more emotionally painful, with endless back and forth about the kids, who should have them over xmas, etc. I guess they were lucky in the sense that they didn't end up being victims of financial abuse.
I am Swedish btw. Anyhow I will pm you next time I'm in the KOW! Maybe we can meet and have a chat.
Your chilled tone even when pissed off, makes you seem to be a worthwhile person to get to know better.
If our paths cross in KOW, I'll happily enjoy a beer or two with you. I could tell you further tales that would make your toes curl, but that would be boring. Let's discuss the weather instead :beer1: :lol:
User avatar
Yerg
Expatriate
Posts: 1316
Joined: Thu Apr 11, 2019 3:41 pm
Reputation: 970
Location: Kent, UK
Great Britain

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Yerg »

Not an intended bump, but I just realised that I need to say one more thing. The OP's title was about bitter divorces. I wanted to make two things very clear. Whilst the process of the divorce was bitter, I am not bitter in myself. I now have an amazing relationship with my kids who, now they are adults, realise that all that they were fed at the time about being abandoned by their father, was (in their words) one-sided propaganda.

I had dinner only the other week with my eldest, and she said that she was sorry for siding with her mother when (latterly) it became evident that she had been used by her mother. My youngest has probably had the toughest time dealing with the split, and just before Christmas, I got to spend a few days with him at his Uni. We went out, we drank beer. We watched the RWC final together. When it came time to leave, he cried and told me he loved me. I had to walk away quickly for fear of breaking down in front of him.

What encourages me is that kids do eventually become adults. And using their own reasoning and intelligence, do eventually see the wood for the trees. So after enduring 8 years of hell with my kids, we are all coming out the other side, and we are all 3 the healthier for it. I said many years ago to my family, that I had to step back and be patient. It was the best desision I ever made.

My job now is to rebuild the nest egg, and make sure my kids are as set for the rest of their life as I can make them. That's all the motivation I need!
User avatar
clutchcargo
Expatriate
Posts: 5870
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:09 pm
Reputation: 4098
Cambodia

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by clutchcargo »

I'm not bitter about my divorce per se and I didn't lose the house. However, I am bitter towards the ex on account of a very messy/traumatic child custody dispute which ended up in the courts.

That's all over now and we have all moved on. However when I think of the ex, I still harbour bitterness and can't seem to forgive and forget.

Looking back, I made a poor choice of partner at the time. Compared to my current partner...chalk and cheese.. But, it's that earlier experience that has put me off ever having kids again.
User avatar
Brody
Expatriate
Posts: 6404
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 12:07 pm
Reputation: 6533
Location: Phnom Penh
United States of America

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Brody »

clutchcargo wrote: Mon Jan 27, 2020 7:43 am put me off ever having kids again.
Mrs. Cargo logging on to CEO this morning:

Image
User avatar
atst
Expatriate
Posts: 2488
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:27 pm
Reputation: 1398
New Zealand

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by atst »

When I lost a million dollar house in a devorce, I was consoled by the thought oh well at least my kids will hopefully still inherent it
I'm standing up, so I must be straight.
Black night is falling, oh I hate to be alone.
What's a poor man do when the blues keep following him around.(Smoking Dynamite)
User avatar
Spigzy
Expatriate
Posts: 1134
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 9:50 am
Reputation: 885
Great Britain

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Spigzy »

Yerg wrote: Sun Jan 26, 2020 11:38 pm Not an intended bump, but I just realised that I need to say one more thing. The OP's title was about bitter divorces. I wanted to make two things very clear. Whilst the process of the divorce was bitter, I am not bitter in myself. I now have an amazing relationship with my kids who, now they are adults, realise that all that they were fed at the time about being abandoned by their father, was (in their words) one-sided propaganda.

I had dinner only the other week with my eldest, and she said that she was sorry for siding with her mother when (latterly) it became evident that she had been used by her mother. My youngest has probably had the toughest time dealing with the split, and just before Christmas, I got to spend a few days with him at his Uni. We went out, we drank beer. We watched the RWC final together. When it came time to leave, he cried and told me he loved me. I had to walk away quickly for fear of breaking down in front of him.

What encourages me is that kids do eventually become adults. And using their own reasoning and intelligence, do eventually see the wood for the trees. So after enduring 8 years of hell with my kids, we are all coming out the other side, and we are all 3 the healthier for it. I said many years ago to my family, that I had to step back and be patient. It was the best desision I ever made.

My job now is to rebuild the nest egg, and make sure my kids are as set for the rest of their life as I can make them. That's all the motivation I need!
Well put Yerg, exact same situation with my eldest, now 22 & about to graduate university. We've had a good talk about the trauma she had as a kid when "Daddy didn't come home", her mother moved her (6y at the time) to a Cypriot British military base for seven years and blocked any contact whatsoever. A few years back they moved back to England and through social media she found me and we've never looked back; she like your own has also seen the light of what happened when she was just a little girl. Wish you all the best for the future years, there is certainly a warmth when you come out the other side and your kids start to realise that through it all, you were a good man with the right intentions, even if you didn't have the chance to be an active part of their early life.
Meum est propositum in taberna mori,
ut sint Guinness proxima morientis ori.
tunc cantabunt letius angelorum chori:
"Sit Deus propitius huic potatori."
User avatar
Yerg
Expatriate
Posts: 1316
Joined: Thu Apr 11, 2019 3:41 pm
Reputation: 970
Location: Kent, UK
Great Britain

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Yerg »

clutchcargo wrote: Mon Jan 27, 2020 7:43 am I'm not bitter about my divorce per se and I didn't lose the house. However, I am bitter towards the ex on account of a very messy/traumatic child custody dispute which ended up in the courts.

That's all over now and we have all moved on. However when I think of the ex, I still harbour bitterness and can't seem to forgive and forget.

Looking back, I made a poor choice of partner at the time. Compared to my current partner...chalk and cheese.. But, it's that earlier experience that has put me off ever having kids again.
I think your comment is one of the most pertinent here. I harbour bitterness towards my ex as a human being, but that's about it. Putting me and my kids through all of what happened was spiteful and unnecessary. I too can not forgive. (I often forget, but 15-20 Angkor drafts can do that to a boy. [JOKE].) I think your point about making a poor choice in partner is probably the most valid. It's only when you look back, kick yourself in the ass and ask "why didn't I see that"? But at the same time, it's that experience in itself that makes you the person you are today.

As a result of my experience, I think I have become a much calmer and easy-going person. At the time, I got angry and did my blood pressure the world of no-good. But looking back, I wish that I'd been as calm and controlled as I am now when things go wrong. The old adage that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, has never been truer. Just took me a while to learn that.
Mishmash
Expatriate
Posts: 1949
Joined: Tue Nov 14, 2017 7:34 pm
Reputation: 1148
Cambodia

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Mishmash »

clutchcargo wrote: Mon Jan 27, 2020 7:43 am I'm not bitter about my divorce per se and I didn't lose the house. However, I am bitter towards the ex on account of a very messy/traumatic child custody dispute which ended up in the courts.

That's all over now and we have all moved on. However when I think of the ex, I still harbour bitterness and can't seem to forgive and forget.

Looking back, I made a poor choice of partner at the time. Compared to my current partner...chalk and cheese.. But, it's that earlier experience that has put me off ever having kids again.
Don't be put off - you have a great missus.

You're a good guy Clutch
User avatar
Cinnamoncat
Expatriate
Posts: 307
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2016 1:08 am
Reputation: 348
Contact:
United States of America

Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Cinnamoncat »

atst wrote: Sun Jan 26, 2020 10:02 am Can some of the lady members explain to us guy's why it's ok for you to take away a house , savings from someone who owned these before having a relationship with you , us guys can't?
50/50 of what you earn together no problem happy happy go your separate ways
My ex and I always earned quite a lot of money together, and when we split up, we split the loot on hand. For the most part. Of course, I'd spent four years as the "money person," developing all the accounts and contacts. When I left KOW, I left all those resources with the ex. In other words, he got the house and the money.

We continued to work our business together for another five years. I edited and did other proofreading / set-up from the U.S., and we communicated back and forth on a weekly basis. But honestly, it's hard to take half the house when the spouse is busily constructing castles in the sand in the KOW, right? Hard to "own" in the KOW, unless you're married to a good man or woman (who is Cambodian).

That's the short story. My ex exceeded the life expectancy for western expat men in Cambodia by one year, I believe. He died at 59 years of age, drowning in the Tonle Sap if you didn't already know.
"Love and Loss in Cambodia: a memoir" available on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0578537788
Post Reply Previous topicNext topic
  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post