Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

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Yerg
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Yerg »

Okay, my two-pence worth. And breathe...

I had a ridiculously acrimonious divorce. So, let's go back to the beginning.

In a nutshell, I caught my wife cheating. The whys and wherefores are pointless. I caught her. Red handed. Bang to rights, there was no argument. I filed for divorce instantly, on the grounds of adultery. [We'll leave the 6 months of denial here...]

When it hit the lawyers, her claim was for (100%) of the house I bought, before we even had kids. (Before we even got together!! Yes, she had my kids and cared for them as a stay at home Mum, but I owned the house before we even got together). 50%, I was prepared to live with, even 70% But not 100%. She took my house. I don't inherently have a problem with this, my kids needed somewhere to live. Still not the point, hey-ho...)

She fucked another dude. IN MY HOUSE!!! But that seems to count for nothing.

She got 50% of my pension, which I had been paying in to since I was 18. We met in my mid-20's. Go figure. (I don't pay in to that one anymore!!!) She gets 50%!!!!

I have to (even still today) indemnify her mortgage payments in case she can't pay them. I don't have to pay her any more as both my kids are over 18, but I'm still on the mortgage and will be until 2035, and she has no legal reason to remove me as her indemnity, in case she decides she no longer wants to pay. I can't get another mortgage to buy another house, because I already "have a mortgage". I don't, but I do. So fuck it, I can't buy another place of my own, as I am considered a financial "risk" here in the UK.

She used my kids as leverage to get more money. A fine example would be that she would offer to take a lower alimony payment if I changed my divorce filing from "adultery" to "Irreconcilable differences". I didn't, but she still got 25% of my income. I don't have a problem with this, as they were my kids and I had a financial commitment to take care of them.
She then continued to leverage my kids to try and get whatever she wanted from me. A good example would be, only allowing me to fly my kids on holiday with me (unaccompanied minors) to see me, was if I paid for her to accompany them, and stay in a 5* hotel for two weeks in an exotic location while they were with me. Of course, I told her to fuck off. My kids missed out on a great holiday as a result.

Now, these examples only scratch the surface of my divorce. I suspect that they might only scratch the surface of other divorces. But perhaps now, OP might see why those of us westerners divorced might be a bit prickly. How we (divorcees) are not misogynistic, women-hating pricks, is perhaps the more pertinent question. We're not, we just don't particularly like one woman in particular. I've yet to read of a single divorced fella here that isn't prepared to give it another go. I have, and would again.

I don't regret my kids. I love them with all my heart. I just can't change who I had them with.

So, KUDOS to OP who still gets on with his ex GIRLFRIEND, who didn't rip the arse out of his own financial world and had to start over in his late thirties/early forties.

And YES, his post did piss me off, and this was the politest reply I could muster.
Last edited by Yerg on Sun Jan 26, 2020 5:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Yerg
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Yerg »

jaclu wrote: Sat Jan 25, 2020 4:42 am Quite often I see mentions about previous relationships here that can pretty much be summarised as wife took everything.

What I can't get is why so many seem to still get married in the first place. I have had all kinds of relationships, the longest over ten years, but I never entered into marriage, so when it was time to split up, it was not that complicated, usually the arguments was about more costly items being bought together, with no clear paper trail who it belonged to. But the costs were never anything of major importance compared to the pain of the breakup, so regardless of who got what, it was not something I would think about long afterwards as a life effecting loss. Houses were either bought by one party, so nothing to fight about or formally shared, so easy to split, either the leaving party selling its half to the one who stays, or selling it and splitting the cash when the value and thus how much half of it would be could not be agreed upon. What was mine is mine, what was hers is hers, and only the undefined items would be up for negotiations, in most cases a peaceful agreement could be reached, the one case where it couldn't. I let her have most of it and moved on in life, she had bought the farm, and I all the cars, the horses and all random tools and equipment needed for the place. In the end I just drove of with the station wagons keeping most of the computer equipment, and left the horses, the pickup and everything thing else farm related for her. I didn't have much need for it anyways since I was moving to a city in another country. So yes a bit of a loss from a financial point of view, but not something that keeps me up at nights. And believe it or not we are still in touch every now on then on FB 15 years later :)

So at least for me I have never had a split up, where I felt that it had a major hit to my economy.

I guess one thing that made it easier was that I have always avoided having kids. Some of my partners had previous kids, but I was never expected to take any responsibility for them after the split up. Either they were cared for solely by the mother, or the father was already paying child support.

So at least when there are no shared kids involved, marriage seems to be counter intuitive, and opening you up to financial ruin.

Don't take it the wrong way, I am not trying to mock people that got married and then burned, Im more curious as to why so many people still get married especially when there are no kids involved. Not saying it is wrong, more curious about the why?
See my previous post. Are you British? Where are you from? Be interesting to discuss, and despite my earlier vitriol, am more than happy to discuss much further, and publicly, on CEO...
jaclu
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by jaclu »

Yerg wrote: Sun Jan 26, 2020 5:05 am
And YES, his post did piss me off, and this was the politest reply I could muster.
Well, you did a good job of describing your experience in a perfectly normal tone, so job well done in that regard!
That was a pretty horrific experience :(

I am sorry I pissed you off. That was truly not the intention.
My pal's divorces were more emotionally painful, with endless back and forth about the kids, who should have them over xmas, etc. I guess they were lucky in the sense that they didn't end up being victims of financial abuse.
I am Swedish btw. Anyhow I will pm you next time I'm in the KOW! Maybe we can meet and have a chat.
Your chilled tone even when pissed off, makes you seem to be a worthwhile person to get to know better.
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Bitte_Kein_Lexus
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Bitte_Kein_Lexus »


newkidontheblock wrote:Would a girl feel different if she was a taxi girl instead of lily white before? No idea.
Jesus... *rolls eyes* I think I just puked a little in my mouth.
Ex Bitteeinbit/LexusSchmexus
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atst
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by atst »

Can some of the lady members explain to us guy's why it's ok for you to take away a house , savings from someone who owned these before having a relationship with you , us guys can't?
50/50 of what you earn together no problem happy happy go your separate ways
I'm standing up, so I must be straight.
Black night is falling, oh I hate to be alone.
What's a poor man do when the blues keep following him around.(Smoking Dynamite)
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fazur
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by fazur »

To answer the original question posed by the OP, perhaps Cambodia i perceived as being as far away as possible from Western society that the angry divorce happened in? An d easy to live in? An idea.
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Cowshed Cowboy
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Cowshed Cowboy »

Bitte_Kein_Lexus wrote: Sun Jan 26, 2020 8:51 am
newkidontheblock wrote:Would a girl feel different if she was a taxi girl instead of lily white before? No idea.
Jesus... *rolls eyes* I think I just puked a little in my mouth.
Indeed, [Mod edit: no name calling]
Yes sir, I can boogie, I can boogie, boogie, boogie all night long.
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Pedroviera »

The op ask why get married and why bitter, ect. Marrying is the natural progression of a relationship in the USA. Kinda like many having car payments its just the norm maybe not rational... I can think of 5 guys that have similar situation as poster yerg. Men are bitter because the divorce courts Have No Mercy on the husband. The court system totally favors the wife in every way. Every aspect. Literally. I've worked with several guys who had already invested 20 years in a pension plan. Wife decides to divorce. Now the ex husband pays very high monthly child support until kids old enough (that wife spends on boob job) and spousal support. Half or more of his monthly wages especially if he had several kids and he loses house and possessions .. And knowing when he finally retires in 15 years and the kids are grown the wife will get much of his pension.... These stories are common in USA. Also, you fortunate no children and even more so your exs arent vindictive. And many men didn't choose wrong woman to marry. But the current man hating environment changed his wife as the years went by. There is a financial incentive and socially encouraged for wife to leave her husband at the slightest bump in the road in the relationship or for any reason
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by xandreu »

Duncan wrote: Sat Jan 25, 2020 8:06 am And to show how crazy people are,,, the LGBT community insist in having equal rights to get married. They want to be different but want the same rules as everyone else .
I don't think being gay is about wanting to be different. So why shouldn't LGBT people be allowed the same rights as everyone else?

Marriage overall is an archaic institution, which served it's purpose very well in the days when life expectancy was much shorter. For most of human history, you'd get married, bring up your kids and then be just about ready to pop your clogs, job done. But nowadays people live much longer and it's not natural to expect a couple to stay in love for decades until they both reach old age. No matter how in love you are at the beginning, there's a very high chance that at some point down the road, it will come to an end. So yes, I agree, why bother with the formality of the piece of paper.

Although in UK law, if you have been cohabiting for a reasonable length of time and decide to break up, I think most of the laws that apply to marriage still apply anyway - you'll still lose everything.
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Jerry Atrick
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Re: Why do so many here seem to have encountered bitter divorces?

Post by Jerry Atrick »

I'll never be getting married, unless it's for convenience, in which case I will have a prenuptial contract.

I see zero incentive in the deal.

I have a Woman, and she has me, and we have a few kids.

To keep up appearances we had a two hour mock wedding shoot in a Psar Kandal photography studio.
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