17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

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Milord
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17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by Milord »

17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

1. You replace the adjective "fun" with "tiring".
That party sounds tiring. That club sounds tiring. That whatever sounds tiring.

2. You hate crowds.
You hate crowds so much that you remind yourself of your own dad. That is how much you hate crowds.

3. They don't have any of the Brand liquor you drink at the club.
Um, thanks, but I'll pass on the rubbing alcohol you call vodka mixed with flat diet cola. And why doesn't this place stock Beaujolais? Gross!

4. You can't deal with jealousy shiz.
Facebook stalking your partner's ex is just too much work and if your S.O. is mad at you for talking to someone else at a party well then: SEE YA. This shit was cute in high school but in the real world, it's just ugly and exhausting.

5. The club smells more like vomit than fun.
You have a 6am Jog Circuit and need this Ho to stop scratching her crotch on you.

6. Going to a party for someone you don't know is the worst thing.
You used to be down to see if there was a cute someone to hook up with but now the thought of conversing with a bunch of weirdos and sitting on a strangers toilet is unacceptable.

7. A fun night out is staying in with a DVD.
DVD + SATC reruns > anything else on Earth.

8. You start talking shit about teenagers.
It's as if the physical embodiment of Hell mated with Axe body spray and gave birth to a million pimply morons. OMG THEY ARE THE WORST.

9. College kids aren't much better.
"When did everyone around campus become ten-years-old? This shit is like backwards 13 Going on 30."

10. You roll your eyes when someone suggests getting a keg.
It's heavy, messy, sticky, and stinky. Hard pass! (And while you're passing things, hand me that bottle of Red.)

11. The thought of 2am pizza is no longer sexually arousing.
The bloating. The farts. The bloating and the farts.

12. You pass on an open bar.
You're tired of having to fend off dozens of people just to get to the bar so you can enjoy (not the right word) a free (yet crappy) vodka soda. It's too much work; you'd rather pay.

13. You have to get home to feed your pet/hang out with your pet/OMG your pet might be cooler than these people.

14. You spent hundreds of dollars on high-quality bedding.
Because sleep is everything. It is the sun, the moon, the stars, the air we breathe, and the divine nectar of the Gods. It is EVERYTHING.

15. You hire people to help you move.
Your friend offered you some pizza to help her move from her fifth-floor walk-up to her new seventh-floor walk-up and you about died laughing.

16. You no longer get all your meals from the bodega.
You shop at real grocery stores, and I'm not just talking buying all of Trader Joe's frozen burritos. (At least not every night.) You know where the kale is at your local Whole Foods and you toss that shit into EVERYTHING.

17. You have considered purchasing or have actually purchased hats/capes/full-on outfits for your pet.
If you've ever skipped an event to spend countless hours surfing Etsy for the perfect pepperoni-shaped cap to put on your cat, you might be too old for this shit.

[Massively rewritten and edited by OP]

p.s.: Sex lying on my on my side vs knees and elbows. Ohh my knees.

What's your sign?
Last edited by Milord on Sat Nov 29, 2014 1:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
Francis
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Re: 17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by Francis »

Yap, I'm definitely too old, and I'm not ashamed at all.
Und der Haifisch der hat Tränen
Und die laufen vom Gesicht
Doch der Haifisch lebt im Wasser
So die Tränen sieht man nicht

In der Tiefe ist es einsam
Und so manche Träne fliesst
Und so kommt es dass das Wasser
In den Meeren salzig ist
General Chatter
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Re: 17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by General Chatter »

only 17 surly 23 ...
I was born with nothing , and I still have most of it left.




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Re: 17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by General Chatter »

traveling makes you nervous +1 you make a noise while either sitting or getting out of a chair.+2
I was born with nothing , and I still have most of it left.




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Garry.Crabtree
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Re: 17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by Garry.Crabtree »

18. Having an "all nighter" now mean not getting up in the middle of the night for a piss……
According to the proverb: The pun is mightier than the sword
Milord
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Re: 17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by Milord »

Garry.Crabtree wrote:18. Having an "all nighter" now mean not getting up in the middle of the night for a piss……
:lol: good one
Sailorman
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Re: 17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by Sailorman »

19. You stopped depending on your martial-arts class's for self defense from As*holes and now carry a .45acp auto to fend off thieves/jerks.
20) You learned to stop and listen when someone has some knowledge to impart to you.
21) You stopped being a walking/talking/drinking ATM machine for everything in a skirt and now limit yourself to prime-breeding-stock.
Milord
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Re: 17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by Milord »

Sailorman wrote:19. You stopped depending on your martial-arts class's for self defense from As*holes and now carry a .45acp auto to fend off thieves/jerks.
20) You learned to stop and listen when someone has some knowledge to impart to you.
21) You stopped being a walking/talking/drinking ATM machine for everything in a skirt and now limit yourself to prime-breeding-stock.
:bow: right on
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Satiated Parrot
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Re: 17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by Satiated Parrot »

Sailorman wrote:19. You stopped depending on your martial-arts class's for self defense from As*holes and now carry a .45acp auto to fend off thieves/jerks.
20) You learned to stop and listen when someone has some knowledge to impart to you.
21) You stopped being a walking/talking/drinking ATM machine for everything in a skirt and now limit yourself to prime-breeding-stock.
You're still eager to breed at your age?
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Re: 17 Signs You're Too Old for This Shit

Post by vladimir »

22. None of the bands you liked as a teenager/young adult feature on the music section of kickass.to anymore

23. You realise MIck Jagger, Ozzy Osborne, Peter Frampton, Robin Trower et al are making fools of themselves

24. You start treating women as friends, not as potential sex partners

25. You start giving a fuck about hangovers before you drink.

26. A smooth crap and a good night's sleep start taking over from sex.

27. You hate noise. All noise.
Jesus loves you...Mexico is great, right? ;)
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