Duncan wrote: ↑Tue Jun 27, 2017 3:45 pm Copied


My dad's idea of sex education was locking me in my room with a dirty magazine. The thought of looking at strange women in the nude horrified me! Luckily mum featured on pages 42-46 though.
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An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another a second $100 bill stuck to it. Immediately the lawyer's keen legal mind realised he was faced with an ethical question: should he tell his partner?
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I saw a woman walking her dog today and the little fucker shat everywhere. I said "You better clean that up or you'll get a hefty fine". She screamed back "He's got diarrhoea, what do you want me to do?" So I gave her a straw.
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A priest, in complete violation of his celibacy vows, makes amorous advances to a nun who, at first, rejects his proposals saying it's a sin, but finally relents and the two end up in bed together. After making love the nun says "Since you are a priest, I would like you to hear my confession. I have sinned. Twice". The priest says "What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once". The nun says "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
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I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 67. I'm so happy, because I live at number 69c. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
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Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine".
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A newly married man asked his wife "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey" the woman replied sweetly "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
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Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the women who make it hard.
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The counter man in the ice cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered, set a small thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom. "Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it". The counter man did so and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug. "What" asked the ice cream purveyor "is the reason for that?" "For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to her".
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I've just started up a new magazine, and like a homosexual with amnesia it comes out every week.











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I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.





During a TV show interview Sean Connery bragged that despite his 86 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Kylie said "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place". So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand". Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says "Kylie that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand".

Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Australia, she stole my wallet".