Rodney Dangerfield

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Milord
Expatriate
Posts: 1255
Joined: Sat May 17, 2014 6:14 am
Reputation: 3
Location: Soon, Soon There
Canada

Rodney Dangerfield

Post by Milord »

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid!. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favourite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Mr Curious
Expatriate
Posts: 664
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 8:26 am
Reputation: 15
United States of America

Re: Rodney Dangerfield

Post by Mr Curious »

you know you're getting old when your balls tell you when to mow the lawn
Milord
Expatriate
Posts: 1255
Joined: Sat May 17, 2014 6:14 am
Reputation: 3
Location: Soon, Soon There
Canada

Re: Rodney Dangerfield

Post by Milord »

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