The following is a work of fiction. The names and events are made-up – if they resemble people or events you know, ain’t that peculiar? And FFS, please don’t take this too seriously. It’s not like they’re real carrots!

THE STORY OF MYTHICAL CARROT MARKS, ON THE BIG TREE, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST.



Once upon a time in a strange faraway forest there were two boy-rabbits called ChubbyBunny and OrangeRabbit – they weren’t gay, but that’s not important to the story.

The two rabbits were part of a special rabbit club with a name that’s hard to pronounce if you have a stutter (“fah-fah-fah-fah”) so we’ll call it The Older Faction, or TOF. They weren’t treated very well by the other rabbits at TOF because they kept making themselves look like dumb bunnies, and so falling into a deep sulk and after a short game of “I dare you” they decided to start their own rabbit club. The other rabbits laughed at them, but some decided to join both clubs, and others shat little rabbit pellets on the floor in the old club house, and then ran away to the new one, from where they yelled rabbit insults at the rabbits in the original club for several years.

ChubbyBunny and OrangeRabbit called their new club Completely Exiled Others, or some such rubbish. We’ll just call it the Sensitive New Age Rabbit Club, or Snarc.

Although they made a metric shit-ton of mistakes in the early days, the two rabbits worked very hard to make Snarc a good club to join – ChubbyBunny did all the socializing while OrangeRabbit built the clubhouse and got very defensive. It turned out to be a very good club indeed, and the rabbits over at TOF eventually admitted it was a good club, and begrudgingly started to give Snarc some respect.

Oddly, RiellyBigBunny, the much-hated King of TOF dropped by the Snarc club-house, and then suddenly died, which was horrible although all the members of Snarc and the members of TOF respected him enough to not tell nice lies about him. RiellyBigBunny had some terrible leadership traits, which was to be expected as he didn’t want to be a leader, he demanded to be King of TOF because he paid for the clubhouse.

Sadly, OrangeRabbit developed myxomatosis – a not-uncommon disease in rabbits that like to party with other lady-rabbits of questionable habits a little too much – and had to leave the forest in a hurry. A lot of rabbits in both clubs said a lot about this, but ultimately it was OrangeRabbit’s choice.

ChubbyBunny, who was now Lord ChubbyBunny, tried to convince the other rabbits at Snarc that it was all of their club, and the other rabbits smiled and nodded, all the while knowing that Lord ChubbyBunny was speaking crap, as he was in some ways very much like King RiellyBigBunny but kept it hidden from the other rabbits.

As Lord ChubbyBunny was very often far far away in another forest with strange habits – like not drinking happy nectar, and keeping their girl rabbits stored away in hessian bags – Snarc started to be mocked for not having a leader actually in the forest, what with OrangeRabbit having left, and all. So YooteeRabbit, CrookedRabbit and PunchyMcHare were added to the High Council, under the benevolent watch of Duke ChubbyBunny.

Now, YooteeRabbit was a wise and experienced old rabbit, wily, and, well, wise. He was a good Earl, fair and even-minded. CrookedRabbit wanted more of an iron rule (like at TOF), and tried to rule with great big fkn sticks, although the other Counselors kept him reasonably in check. PunchyMcHare absolutely loved punching things, especially other rabbits (he even hopped away to other forests to punch the rabbits there, and shag the girl rabbits) but made a surprisingly good Counselor with an actual honest-to-goodness sense of humour.

The rabbits lived as happily in their little club as a diversely educated, cantankerous, and bitchy group of rabbits could live. One day, ChubbyBunny said “Hey, to keep things interesting, let’s create a carrot system – that should make things much more fun!” Although skeptical, the other rabbits in the club agreed to give it a go – after all, the carrots were mythical and more to the point, free and unlimited, almost like the forest’s happy nectar. And so, each time one rabbit liked something another rabbit did or said, they’d award that rabbit one, two, or even three (think of it! THREE!) mythical carrots by scratching a mark on the big old tree in the centre of the forest. The rabbits could also, if they chose to, go to the tree and rub away some of another rabbits marks on the tree – perhaps because that rabbit had said something naughty, or shagged another rabbit’s girl rabbit, or perhaps just because the rabbit doing the rubbing is a bit of a wanker.

Over time, many of the rabbits in the club started to speak against the mythical carrots, saying it was a silly and flawed idea, but if King ChubbyBunny was going to insist on it, it should at least be fair. The rabbits had noticed that the Popularity Carrots System was easy to mess with, or shouldn’t be a popularity contest at all, that sort of thing. You know how bitchy rabbits can get when there’s not enough girl-rabbits, or when they’re drinking too much happy nectar, or both. King ChubbyBunny and his Lords responded that the mythical carrots would stay, and the other rabbits should stop complaining about the flaws in the game.

And so, grumbling quietly among themselves, the rabbits continued giving and receiving mythical carrots, and the number of marks on the tree grew day by day. Meh – it was what it was. A very small number of rabbits quickly became jealous of the high number of mythical carrots some rabbits had collected, which seems childish, but not for rabbits. Many of the rabbits with many mythical carrots were a little bit chuffed by it, but knew it wasn’t going to get them any more girl rabbits or happy nectar, and that it was a bit of (stupid) fun.

One night, not so long ago, a rather large rabbit called AngryBeard (who had a lot of mythical carrots scratched on the tree in the centre of the forest) noticed that a completely invisible rabbit had started secretly rubbing off his mythical carrot scratches. AngryBeard knew that the invisible rabbit had been hanging around for a while, but had never talked to anyone, had never joined in any rabbit club games, and wasn’t known by any other rabbit. The invisible rabbit just hung around, ing, listening to the other rabbits in the club and watching them, watching, watching, watching…

AngryBeard didn’t much care about mythical carrots, although he appreciated the efforts of others who took the time to go to the tree in the centre of the forest and scratch a mark under his name if they thought he’d said or done something particularly nice or witty. AngryBeard had never had a mythical carrot mark rubbed off before, although he had often wondered why not as he knew he could be a bit of a dick, and always seemed to have too much to say.

When he saw the invisible rabbit rubbing off mythical carrot marks from the big tree in the middle of the forest, AngryBeard thought to himself, “well that’s not right!” and “why should an invisible rabbit who never talks to us, and never joins in our rabbit games get to scratch off mythical rabbit marks from the big tree in the centre of the forest?”

And so, children, when AngryBeard saw his mythical carrot marks disappearing from the big tree in the centre of the forest, he puffed himself up and yelled at the invisible rabbit, saying “You! Invisible Rabbit! I see what you’re doing there, and you’re a bit of a twat for doing it! I’m going to tell the King and his Lords that you’re doing it, and ask them to stop you, because you don’t contribute to the club at all so you shouldn’t be allowed near the big tree in the centre of the forest, that has the mythical carrot marks!”

When AngryBeard said this, the invisible rabbit realized he wasn’t actually invisible, and stopped what he was doing, immediately telling AngryBeard in private that he would put the mythical carrot marks back on the big tree in the centre of the forest, if that would make things better. Fortunately the not-so-invisible rabbit had only rubbed off two marks before AngryBeard spoke to him, because GreatSkyHare only knows how far he’d go while he still thought himself invisible, upsetting the game not just for AngryBeard but for all of the rabbits that actually did participate in the club.

And so AngryBeard went to the speaking place and asked publicly that the High King Rabbit and His Senior Prince Rabbits stop the invisible rabbit from playing with the mythical carrot marks on the big tree in the centre of the forest – not just for himself as he really didn’t care that much about mythical carrots, but he did care about fairness for all rabbits, and for the club.

But Most High King ChubbyBunny and the Mighty Princes were unimpressed, and instead joined in with the other rabbits in calling AngryBeard a whiny baby, while oddly declaring it to be a “self-governing club” at which the other, knowledgeable rabbits snickered.

Supreme Ruler ChubbyBunny gasped “all this, over losing just TWO mythical carrot marks from the big tree at the centre of the forest?” and scoffed “Have I missed something?” winking slyly to the Supreme Council members and nudging them into supporting acts of scorn for being such a dumb, babyish bunny. YooteeRabbit jumped in quickly, but with a carefully hedged response that gave the appearance of joining the slaughter, but actually holding back in wisdom and, you know, wise things.

At first, and with great common-sense and wisdom, PunchyMcHare just laughed, and offered to shower AngryBeard with mythical carrots so the rabbits could get back to playing rabbit games. Sadly, the smell of blood in the air brought out his punchiness as he suggested that “some” rabbits need to boy-rabbit up.

CrookedRabbit stood up on the speaking rock and gave a great impression of King RiellyBigBunny of TOF club, showing undertones of the infamous NaziBunny video, all while totally missing the irony of his own speech about numbers being up (yes, PuncyMcHare, you gotta work the numbers!) for some weeks, and not for a moment considering that may in some small part coincide with AngryBeard’s return to the forest.

Lesser rabbits joined in the fray, chittering and generally making bothersome noise from the sides. DiggerRabbit couldn’t help but hop in and demonstrate his own ego issues by claiming AngryBeard needed his ego stroked – so AngryBeard went to his burrow to collect a pot, and a kettle, for a quick object lesson.

Other rabbits understood that AngryBeard couldn’t give a pile of pellets about mythical carrots, but was instead dissatisfied with the whole mythical carrot system if it could be so easily and stupidly used by wanker rabbits to play their own side-game. StrangeAsianRabbit and JayBeeRabbit (a dual-forest citizen) understood that given the right circumstances, the village idiot rabbit could end up with more mythical carrot marks on the big tree at the centre of the forest than a sensible contributing rabbit, with StrangeAsianRabbit calling for actual action, as he knew that it wasn’t just about two mythical carrots.

Most High Supreme Ruler ChubbyBunny laughed off any criticism, declaring that the members couldn’t get rubbed-off mythical carrot marks restored in any of the big trees in the centre of any other forests, and “it was only TWO MARKS!” before sending a job to the printers for new “It’s our club, it belongs to all of us!” banners, which will continue to be mocked behind his back.

Given that he had a reasonable reputation (at least from the number of mythical carrots he’d been given by other rabbits) and was in good standing at the Snarc club, AngryBeard was disappointed (yet sadly, not at all surprised) by the reaction of many rabbits in the club – but ultimately he didn’t have many pellets to give, and after spending time trying to get the middle claw on one front foot to stand out from the other claws to show those members, gave it up as a lost cause and went off to check the other news in the clubhouse, thinking “Well, THAT escalated quickly.”

Most ironically, CrookedRabbit’s passionate comment about wanting to see any chonically complaining rabbits go and start their own club WAS EXACTLY HOW THE NARC CLUB STARTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Perhaps he should add “Go on, I dare you to” as a closing argument. I wonder if H.E. ChubbyBunny had the forethought to flinch a little at that – the rabbits from TOF club would be soiling themselves with joy if they realized the irony.

And that, children, is the end of the story!

Edit: corrected two typos

You've got a lot of time on your hands


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And that, children, is the end of the story!

we live in hope.
a hobby is a good thing to have.
i would commend apiculture as a worthy pursuit to those with time on their hands.
the bees themselves offer a marvelous allegory to human society in simple terms.
Additionally, they sting the shit out of you when you make a mistake.

I see Angry Beard has 3 mythical carrot marks (so far) for writing the story... so he's now

Stroppy Chops raised many valuable and insightful points in his allegory. Not the least of which was that it wasn't about karma points, but about trolls. I found mod reaction to be curiously slow and frequently misdirected.

FacepalmBunny.

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I found the first half of the story to be quite pleasant but I got bored as it drew into the carrot marks medium rhetoric. On the other hand like many if not most I never gave a shit about the matter, know how many carrots I have or ever had nor how to send some.

I wonder how many posters do care?

taabarang wrote: ↑Sun Jun 11, 2017 8:35 am Stroppy Chops raised many valuable and insightful points in his allegory. Not the least of which was that it wasn't about karma points, but about trolls. I found mod reaction to be curiously slow and frequently misdirected.

...and surprisingly determined to stick to their guns.